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Previously on Drag Race: The 13th season of everyone’s favorite TV show overstayed its welcome… and then kept going for another month… and then threw in two more non-elimination episodes on top of that. Four queens emerged triumphant heading into the grand finale. And we were subjected to the most useless “Reunion” episode ever.

No, seriously. What was that?! Whose idea was it to have a reunion episode and then prevent the contestants from actually talking to each other? Why was the whole thing so terribly scripted? Why was our reunion just a series of music videos? And WHY didn’t we get any closure for Kandy Muse and Tamisha Iman?! WHAT WAS THE REASON?

I’ve had it. Officially.

We open with RuPaul in the flesh, performing an actual lip-sync performance on stage!! Hell hath frozen over.

Mama’s still got it.

Drag Race is trying something new with their finale this year: the top four are participating in a finale ball challenge! YAY.

First category is black and white.

Gottmik opens the ball with this mind-blowing presentation. She shaved her head to pull off this monochrome alien from outer space in latex lewk. The COMMITMENT.

Kandy Muse wasn’t a gown girl before the finale, but it looks like she is now. Her dress spells out BLM, which is a great statement to make for a black and white theme. And that hair? Mama, it is laid and slayed.

Rosé looks so damn good in this latex My Fair Lady homage. The matching parasol is IT, sis. But honestly? The makeup’s a little rough. Dare I say it… I’m getting boy. Oops.

I mean. I MEAN. Symone did not come to play in this outrageous, gigantic Rococo meets Black Southern excellence number. That makes no sense, you say? Well there’s never been anything like this ever. So. SHOOT.

Next category: red!

Gottmik is paying tribute to the greats: Keith Haring and David Bowie. The outfit is super clever, and the closer you look, the more detail you can see. It’s gorge, gorge.

Kandy Muse is representing Brooklyn in this banjee confection. Is it a little cheap-looking compared to some of the other lewks on this stage? Yes. But is it quintessentially Kandy? Absolutely. Was that shade? You will never know.

Rosé’s red tree lewk is a whole production, with an amazing network of tiny branches going out in every direction. It’s beautiful, but the color also lowkey makes her look like a decomposing corpse and I don’t know how to feel about that.

Kandy isn’t the only one playing it banjee tonight: Symone’s referencing the famous long nails meme with this brilliant look made almost entirely out of hair and fake nails. And she’s even wearing oversized acrylic toenails for good measure. Pure nerve.

Lastly – Grand Finale Eleganza Extravaganza!

Gottmik looks ridiculously perfect in this video game supervillain lewk, complete with golden ribcage illusion and a bedazzled heart. Ultimecia realness. I live.

Kandy Muse’s peacock gown is cute, but again, not quite as espensive-lookin’ as the other girls here. Plus her wig is pulled way too far back and isn’t a flattering lewk at all.

Rosé’s royal accoutrement is beautiful and Scottish and very her, though I’m not in love with the color pattern—a pink or red or ever crimson would’ve been much more Rosé. Also, again, her makeup leaves a little to be desired.

HONEYYY. This Symone lewk is IT: 50% Medusa, 50% Wonder Woman, 100% mythical goddess gracing us disgusting humans with her presence in the middle of a pandemique. And that glistening, oiled-up skin. Delicious.

This year, RuPaul and the contestants have to perform inside an empty theatre in front of no audience. But there IS an audience elsewhere, watching from a drive-in. Reigning Season 12 winner and perfection incarnate Jaida Essence Hall is there to spread some cheer and play up the sponsorship.

Can you win a season AND be robbed at the same time? Because that’s what Jaida’s situation feels like.

Now that the opening festivities are done, Mama Ru sits down with each queen to chat it up about their run on the show. Gottmik is up first, and she gets a cute video message from her Snatch Game character Paris Hilton.

Hot.

Kandy Muse sheds some tears over her loving and supportive mom, then warns Ru she’s about to wreck these other girls in the lip-syncs.

Get ready, babyyy.

Rosé gets a kooky message from her family and reveals she sprained her ankle super badly a few months ago and has had a slow recovery.

Oh NO

Symone talks about the Haus of Avalon again and how she and her Arkansas sisters all came to Los Angeles together to make their dreams come true.

The American dream, right there.

We’re treated to a cute performance of the top four queens, in and out of drag, lip-syncing to “Friends” by Bette Midler in memory of people lost to another epidemic: AIDS.

A sweet message.

Now for another tribute: this time for Chi Chi DeVayne, a fabulous entertainer taken from us too soon.

Shine bright, angel.

To kick off the Britney Spears-themed lip-sync for the crown, the queens get an inspirational video message from Senator Cory Booker, who’s apparently cousins with RuPaul?!

What?!

This year, both participants in the first lip-sync are selected by the wheel; the queens don’t get to pick. So Kandy Muse and Rosé are the first lip-sync, a shocking twist that means our leading frontrunners, Symone and Gottmik, will not be facing off in the final round as everyone assumed.

The lip-sync song for the first pair of girls is “Work Bitch.” Can you possibly get any gayer?

Rosé is startingly low-energy, an obvious result of the sprained ankle she’s still nursing. She’s not able to do any big flashy moves, and it’s a big disappointment.

Kandy Muse has a reveal into a cute bodysuit, looks right, and brings a lot more pep to the stage. She wins.

Rosé had a near-flawless run on the show, but in the end, it still wasn’t quite enough to get her to the crown. Either way, she leaves as the top four fan favorite and a total superstar.

Miss you already, baby!

Kandy Muse is in the top two, y’all. Mind: blown.

Next up, our frontrunners lip-sync to “Gimme More.”

Gottmik looks amazing, does the thing, and gives Britney her all. But Symone starts out in an iconic ’80s lewk and changes both her hair and outfit completely by the end of the number, ending with pure sex appeal and incredible hairography.

I think I’m straight now.

Gagatrondra: Gottmik sashays away. It was always going to come down to the two of them, so this is a major twist. Gottmik did so amazingly well this season, it’s almost hard to imagine her topping herself on All Stars. But I can’t wait to see it.

You know that All Stars crown is hers when she decides to go for it.

Before the final lip-sync, the time has come for Heidi N Closet to help crown our Season 13 Miss Congeniality.

She’s giving us thorny rose with a leaf fan. It’s a fun concept, but the execution isn’t 100% satisfying. I do love the headpiece and earrings, though. And the MAKEUP is so much better!

Miss Congeniality 2021 is… LaLa Ri!

Yes ma’am!!

Now for an upgraded lewk: Jaida Essence Hall joins the main stage to help crown the winner!

The LEWKS tonight! Jaida’s regal Pharaoh-esque number in red is a vision, and that curly hair glued to her face looks so great.

It’s now time for the final lip-sync, to “Till the World Ends.” It’s honestly a tiny bit low-energy for a last lip-sync for the crown? But Kandy and Symone both bring it as much as they can. The performance culminates in simultaneous reveals: Kandy brings out a Dominican Republic flag and Symone’s huge wig explodes into golden streamers.

C’mon, lip-sync gimmick!

And the winner is…

Symone!!

YES!

We knew it from early in the season: Symone was meant for that crown. It was written in the stars. She’s brought it home for the Haus of Avalon and I’m sure they’re all so, so proud. Heck, I’m real proud too. You go, bitch!! Condragulations.

She’s a winner, baby!

And after four long months, Season 13 is over at long last. I enjoyed this cast, but I’m definitely glad we’re finally moving on. 17 episodes is WAY. TOO. LONG.

What did you think of the season? Sound off, and don’t forget to tune back in soon for RuPaul’s Drag Race All Stars 6, covered by yours truly!

Ta-ta for now, dolls!

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