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Previously on All Stars: The queens put together hotel rooms from scratch and tried their darnedest to sell those damn rooms, with mixed results. Alexis Mateo tried to get in Miz Cracker‘s head but ended up clashing with Shea Couleé. Blair St. Clair killed it but was robbed so Jujubee could have her first ever win. And Shea somehow landed in the bottom, but Mariah Paris Balenciaga was the one to go home.

The queens go over the votes that were placed among the bottom. Four girls voted for Mariah (including Jujubee), only one voted for India Ferrah… and two voted for Shea. Gasp.

“Alright whose ass do I need to kick”

It turns out Mayhem Miller and Alexis Mateo were the ones who picked Shea’s lipstick. They try to give pleasant pageant-y answers, but the truth is plain as day: they were trying to strategically eliminate their strongest competition. Shea is not having it.

LIVING

This week, the queens will be doing “improv” acting… with assigned partners… and assigned roles based on their personalities… and lines written for them.

Well that sounds very fair and not at all an easy way to allow producer manipulation.

The challenge, “SheMZ,” is a parody of TMZ’s celeb gossip thing (I don’t do celeb gossip okay leave me alone) where the ladies will be portraying different kinds of celeb clichés. Mayhem Miller and India Ferrah are paired up in a shop owner vs. shoplifter storyline. India admits she actually is a real thief––she’s totally stolen dresses and done community service for it in the past.

“Oh my goodness gracious”

Alexis Mateo and Shea Couleé are paired together, which is extra juicy considering they’ve been pretty damn hateful to each other lately. But they take this awkward situation in stride and make an effort to push through it. Still, they spend their prep time throwing shade at each other and laughing through some pretty dirty reads.

“Hahaha this is gonna be so funny you fucking bitch”

Speaking of drama, Miz Cracker decides to take things a step further than Shea and Alexis by confronting Blair St. Clair about something she might’ve overheard. Supposedly, Alexis and Mayhem and Blair were secretly talking about ways to get rid of Cracker, presumably through sabotage and strategy.

“What the what”

Blair insists that’s completely not the case, and she wants to remain friends with Cracker through the competition. Cracker doesn’t believe her 100%, but Jujubee pushes her teammates along because she has no intention of being dragged down by this drama. Smart girl.

Time for the challenge!

Shea Couleé is playing a super fake ex-housewife having lunch with an old frenemy. She does an excellent job with the characterization, but she does gets talked over a lot by Alexis, who obviously tends to be the loudest gal in the room.

Alexis Mateo plays the trashy, crazy ex-housewife brilliantly. She monopolizes the conversation, snatches Shea’s wig, stuffs food into her bra… she is the full package. This is peak Alexis.

Miz Cracker is playing an alleged university fixer who’s minding her own business at the free clinic when a disgruntled mother and daughter duo attack her for setting them up. Cracker is brilliant start to finish––she fully runs the show and her scene partners spend the whole time just trying to keep up.

Jujubee is always witty and entertaining, but shockingly, she’s actually outshined by Cracker in this challenge. She still does a good job, but you can occasionally see her trying to think of funny things to say while Cracker effortlessly jumps from one joke to another.

Last and unfortunately least in this group, Blair St. Clair as the humiliated influencer daughter gets a bit lost in the shuffle. She totally looks the part, but she spends most of the skit sobbing, which like… there’s not much you can do with that.

India Ferrah is playing a shoplifter who gets caught by both the store owner and paparazzi. Craziness ensues, including a very weird licking segment where India licks donuts first, then BROKEN GLASS OFF THE FLOOR (though as it turns out, it was sugar glass). It’s a kooky part, but she does pretty well, though she’s a little slow at times.

Mayhem Miller plays the angry shopkeeper who’s also trying to get some camera time with SheMZ. She starts off really strong with her accusations but then suddenly loses steam halfway through. It’s unfortunate.

Let’s not forget to mention the wild fever dream that is the behind-the-scenes part of the SheMZ challenge, where the queens play douchey bros talking about how hot their drag selves are. Pure delicious insanity.

The next morning, the girls talk celeb gossip while getting ready. Blair St. Clair talks about how a story ran while she was on Drag Race about her getting a DUI, which sucked because she didn’t ever get a chance to really talk about her side of the story.

Ouch.

Mayhem Miller’s been through worse, it seems. She has two DUIs and has served some time for them. She was also arrested in drag both times, and one time involved her being made to strip down naked while a cop laughed and took pictures.

Defunding the police is sounding pretty good right about now.

Ru’s Lewk Ruview:

C’mon, shape! C’mon, patterns! Yes, balance! Yes, symmetry!

Category is “Camo Couture.” First of all, gross.

Jujubee is wearing a beautiful mermaid wig and this lil’ beige and camo ensemble with some nice pops of red. It would’ve killed on Season 3, but for All Stars 5… it’s a little bland.

Miz Cracker is giving us Russian villain who fucked James Bond last night, tied him to the bed, stopped giving a shit about looking innocent, and is about to board the jet that’s going to nuke London in 45 minutes. I love it.

Blair St. Clair reinterpreted the runway category (as she tends to do, I’ve noticed) and looks absolutely stunning in this Mother Nature fantasy. Think if Groot and the Blue Fairy bumped uglies and had a gorgeous child who is destined to save the Earth. Toot.

Shea Couleé is serving us… water, with this high-fashion ’60s housewife in platform shoes going to water her plants. This bitch brought a matching watering can to the runway. C’mon, Animal Crossing.

Alexis Mateo looks so gorgeous in this snow queen lewk. She’s gone for a different type of camo and it pays off. The makeup and the flowy overcoat are everything.

Mayhem Miller is giving us Military Girl Barbie with this cute lewk. It’s fun, but it’s a little on the simple side––there’s not a ton to work with here, sadly.

India Ferrah is taking the theme both literally and very conceptually with this fascinating piece. It’s part kimono, part latex dominatrix, and the slicked-back hair and incredible makeup really sell this. It’s excellent.

Shea and Blair are safe. Juju did well but Cracker killed it. Alexis looks amazing but is told she needs to make sure she lets her improv partner have her moment too.

Oops.

Mayhem is asked what her lewk is exactly and immediately gets super defensive. Of course, the judges jump on that because they love a good inner saboteur storyline, and poor Mayhem is basically doomed from that point on.

Mayhem, no!

Mayhem and India are the bottom two, and Miz Cracker is the top All Star of the week!

It’s what she deserves.

Backstage, Shea and Blair untuck and vent. Blair is frustrated because she’s made her mission on All Stars 5 to take everyone’s old impression of her as a frightened young child and curb-stomp that shit. But here goes the show typecasting her as a brainless brat.

Yeah, Ru, what the fuck?

Shea is a little disappointed to be just safe when Alexis is getting critiques (though her critiques aren’t actually that good). Shea was really happy with their team’s performance, but there’s still a part of her that doesn’t know if she can trust Alexis given recent events.

That is one suspicious biological woman.

Mayhem is in a super shitty position. She’s in the bottom after having picked a fight with the judges, and Cracker may be in charge of deciding who goes home. And she and Cracker have had a couple fights in this competition.

“Fuck me sideways”

So Mayhem kind of resigns herself to the inevitability of going home tonight. Which is obviously a terrible idea. She’s annoyed that she’s in the bottom but she doesn’t make an effort to speak up for herself. The other girls are a bit disappointed with her, Jujubee in particular.

Damn Juju looks good though.

India Ferrah isn’t giving up. She is fighting to be here, and if that means throwing Mayhem under the bus, she’s gonna do it. She tells all the other girls that Mayhem gave up during the challenge and didn’t do her best.

Oh we playin’ dirty! I like it.

The girls return to the main stage, where the lip-sync assassin turns out to be Morgan McMichaels!

Biiiiiiiitch she looks so good.

Mayhem realizes her best friend of twenty years may have to pull out her lipstick and eliminate her.

Bet she regrets giving up now.

The lip-sync song is “Where Have You Been,” one of my favorite Rihanna bangers. Morgan fucking murders the performance, serving an ultra-tight lip-sync, some beautiful cape-ography, a sprinkling of comedy, and more importantly, just flat-out gorgeousness.

A beautiful Rudemption!

Cracker starts out a little slow, but eventually catches up, pulling some impressive stunts. Also, this is probably the most gorgeous she’s ever looked.

She’s like a beautiful alien queen who wants to eat your baby alive and I am totally okay with it.

The two interact wonderfully with each other during the performance, culminating in this masterpiece:

Crown them both.

So guess what? They both win! Which means Cracker wins $20,000 (ooo mama)… and both the bottom girls might go home tonight.

“Fuck me the other sideways”

Of course this show wouldn’t pass up the opportunity to have Morgan send her best friend home by accident. So Morgan pulls Mayhem’s lipstick.

Delicious, delicious drama.

And then Cracker… does the same.

One day, we’ll actually have a double elimination on All Stars. One day.

So ends the story of Meh-hem Miller. Jk Kimora. Mayhem wasn’t able to show everything she had to offer in Season 10, and was determined to do that this time. She still went home a bit early, but according to her, she managed to do what she set out for. So I’m just happy she’s happy.

Slay on, Mayhem.

Bring back… my opinions.

Jujubee – Miss Juju is still doing well, though as the competition gets tighter and tighter, it’s becoming painfully obvious that her aesthetic is a lot weaker than the other girls’. She’s still a frontrunner, but she better keep slaying in the challenges because I don’t think her runways are going to save her.

Miz Cracker – Cracker got a win! She’s now officially a frontrunner as well, with an excellent track record so far. And that’s a very good thing, because I still don’t think she has a lot of allies here. She’s gonna have to stay on top if she doesn’t want to get the chop first thing.

Blair St. Clair – Blair’s runways are just so. Damn. Good. I love that she’s such a different queen now, though I do sometimes worry about it looking like she’s trying too hard to be super confident. I’d like to see her let loose and be a silly goose once in a while.

Shea Couleé – Clearly the show is trying very hard to give Shea a middling track record so her win at the end of all this isn’t quite as predictable. It’s a sound strategy, but it’s a little unfair not to reward her for doing a good job.

Alexis Mateo – Alexis is so damn talented and she never stops being funny. I am pining for her to get a win ASAP, because she deserves to be a frontrunner right alongside these other girls. Alexis is NOT a middle-of-the-pack kind of girl. Periodt.

India Ferrah – I’m proud of India for sticking it out through three episodes in the bottom in a row. And if you look at the way the queens have been voting, it’s been clear her fellow queens don’t think she’s a weak link at all. But the competition is getting tighter and tighter, and we’ve just about run out of filler queens. Next week may be the end for India unless she really brings it.

See y’all next time for the Snatch Game! Yay!

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