search instagram arrow-down

Previously on All Stars: Ten queens came in ready for the usual shenanigans and were slapped with a whole new set of rules. Ongina finally got her shot at All Stars and got off to a really, really poor start. India Ferrah got a beautiful Rudemption with her amazing performance and was named the top All Star of week one. And pure reality TV gold Derrick Barry failed to show why she belonged on All Stars (besides all the good drama) and went home.

The girls regroup in the werk room after Derrick’s elimination to talk all the T: India putting up a beautiful fight against Yvie Oddly, Ongina coming very close to being in the bottom, and of course, everyone’s lipstick choices. Jujubee reveals she voted against Mayhem Miller.

Oh she really came that way?

Mayhem is beyond shooketh. She really thought, like everyone else did, that Derrick was the obvious weak link. But Juju maintains she found Derrick’s act more entertaining. Still, she offers a genuine apology when she sees how hurt Mayhem is.

Well that was nice of her.

The next morning, the ladies rehash the drama so far. Miz Cracker has to speak, saying she was “up all night” thinking she should’ve brought white-out and BenDeLaCreme‘d Ongina’s name on a lipstick. While Ongina did do a poor job last week, this whole attack is wildly unnecessary. Everyone around the table is stunned. Or amused. Or some mixture of both.

“Gurl”

RuPaul comes in to announce that this week’s challenge is a Rusical. My favorite! The girls will be writing campy lyrics about a celebrity crush and lip-syncing to them. Love it. As last week’s winner, comeback queen India Ferrah is asked which two girls are her biggest competition. She picks Shea Couleé and Blair St. Clair.

“I don’t see it for me but okay”

So India, Shea, and Blair are this week’s team captains and must lead their individual girl groups to victory. The girls sit down to start brainstorming celebrity crushes and lyric ideas. India wants to make her actual fiancé her celebrity crush and sing about him, which like… yeah. No?

“What else you got honey?”

Blair St. Clair decided to have herself a little Season 10 reunion by putting Miz Cracker and Mayhem Miller on her team. Mayhem hasn’t forgotten that she was sent home on Season 10 because she was completely overshadowed by her scene partner, Cracker, in a team challenge. And Cracker, who is still giving it 270 percent, has taken it upon herself to help write Mayhem’s lyrics for her.

Triggeredt.

The girls head in to record their verses with resident musical cuties Leland and Freddy Scott.

Leland’s outfit is everything.

Poor, sad Ongina has lost her voice on top of everything else, not to mention she doesn’t seem to have a great musical ear. Her recording session is a total disaster.

“HONEY”

With Mariah Paris Balenciaga delivering a pretty messy performance immediately afterward, their team leader Shea Couleé realizes her team may be fucked.

“Get me out of here”

During dance rehearsal, Blair’s team runs into some more snags as Cracker is being a little bit of a diva. She talks over Blair, focuses mostly on herself, and is generally pretty annoying.

“Sweet baby Jesus”

The next morning, the topic on everyone’s botoxed lips is Miz Cracker. Everyone’s noticed how disruptive she’s been this week, from Ongina being thrown under the bus for no reason to Mayhem almost having her lyrics re-written by her teammmate. Blair tells Cracker as they’re getting ready that she needs to stop being difficult. Cracker admits she can be intense and always has trouble being understood. She’s gotten used to not making friends, because she almost expects them to disappear sooner or later.

Look! A tear! Ru got what he wanted!

Ru’s Lewk Ruview:

I love the dress. Love love love. It’s fashion (burp). The hair’s not too shabby.

Before we move forward, special shout-out to guest judge Tessa Thompson, whom you can currently catch being a bisexual icon on Breastworld Westworld.

LOVE YOU TESSA

Unlike most of the Rusicals about being That Bitch, this one is a cutesy ballad about love, which allows a lot more room for comedy and creativity.

Alexis Mateo is up first, singing about Daddy Yankee (which she pronounces “Daddy Jankee”––comedy gold). Her giant ponytail is a total lewk, she’s funny, she nails it. Toot.

Jujubee’s verse is nothing to write home about, but she does make a fun joke about John Stamos filling up her house. Clever gal.

India Ferrah is singing about Justin Timberlake, and while the verse is cute, it doesn’t have nearly enough personality. Still, there’s something to be said about her shading Britney Spears here, because… let’s face it… she’s probably shading Derrick Barry by proxy.

Miz Cracker looks gorgeous, sounds fabulous while singing about Sylvester Stallone, and serves some great dance moves and hairography. She may be a pain in everybody’s ass, but she’s delivering.

Mayhem Miller wisely went in a different direction from most of these other girls: instead of singing about a legitimately hot celebrity, she’s singing about Mister Rogers. Her number is fun and the ultra-bright lipstick helps serve a little bit of extra craziness.

Like Mayhem, Blair St. Clair is fully leaning into the silliness with a verse about Hannibal Lecter, referring to herself as a “whole damn snack.” It’s genius. The only unfortunate thing is she’s wearing a leather harness that she’s absolutely swimming in. Tighter, girl, tighter!

Ongina is serving “little latin boy in drag, why are you crying” realness with that lewk singing (or should I say, autotuning) about Henry Cavill. It’s an unfortunate verse marred by her vocal troubles.

Mariah Paris Balenciaga pulls off a cute split and hairflip combo, but her verse about having sex all day with Jason Momoa isn’t the most inventive. It’s a little forgettable.

Shea Couleé saves her group by delivering a flawless performance, full of energy and clever lyrics, about Chadwick Boseman. Her verse includes the line “I’m dreaming about Wakanda life we’ll lead.” Crown it.

This week on the runway, category is “Love the skin you’re in.”

India Ferrah is serving a beautiful layered gown as an homage to all the different skin colors out there, tying into a cute little heart. It’s a great message, and her hair is laid and slayed.

I love Jujubee’s gargantuan ring and I appreciate the concept she’s giving, but the outfit is a little on the basic side and her hair doesn’t look that great. I’m getting Marge Simpson.

Alexis Mateo looks incredible in this hand-made leather gown (!!). It hugs her features perfectly and the chest illusion is fantastic. Love it!

Blair St. Clair is thinking outside the box yet again with this head-to-toe hot pink and neon wig. It’s a goddamn showstopper, and fully stands out among the more nude-colored presentations on the runway. Oh, work, bitch.

Miz Cracker says she’s representing for her Jewish heritage with this lewk, which I’m not quite getting, but it’s still a strong showing. The massive curtain in front of her face is kind of a choice, but… it’s fashion, I guess.

I want to like Mayhem Miller’s lewk, I do. But I don’t. The hair’s a little basic, she’s tripping on her train, and girl… those dangly jewels are… something.

I would say let’s cancel All Stars 5 and give Shea Couleé the crown immediately if I didn’t want more of her on my screen. Shea’s giving us Nubian Aphrodite in this incredible tribal nude illusion. Season 7’s naked runway found dead. Hell, every damn runway found dead.

I love Ongina’s Filipino-inspired bird concept, but the feathery outfit she’s wearing is so big she completely disappears in it. It’s just a head on a nest. Love the parasol though.

Mariah Paris Balenciaga’s lewk is basically an elevated version of Jujubee’s. It looks nicer, the hair and makeup are gorgeous, and she serves the Jantasy 100%.

Alexis, Cracker, and Mayhem are safe. Jujubee, Blair, and Shea get high marks, while India, Ongina, and Mariah didn’t do as great. Still, Jujubee credits India Ferrah with the funniest lyric in her verse.

Sisterhood!

Shea Couleé is the obvious winner of the week, while India, Ongina, and Mariah are in the bottom three.

“I’m feeling entertained, amused…”

In the werk room, the safe girls discuss everyone’s likely placement. Mayhem realizes her best Judy Mariah is probably in the bottom.

“Fuck”

Miz Cracker’s personality comes up. Mayhem and Alexis let her know she’s not coming across very genuine and has a tendency to be super arrogant. Cracker suddenly realizes she’s in a competition where eliminations are based on personal relationships… and everybody is starting to hate her.

“Kill me now”

The top and bottom girls return, and Ongina takes a moment to make a polarizing speech. She knows she’s been doing terribly this whole time, and realizes that while she wants to be here more than anything, she is the weakest link and doesn’t deserve to stay over the other two bottom girls. She tells everyone they shouldn’t think about eliminating India or Mariah.

My heart!

The deliberations continue, but Ongina’s declaration has everyone shooketh. Most of the queens realize that she just gave up and is willing to go home, and how can you argue with that? Alexis Mateo says “Gosh, I need to have sex,” then goes to the mirror and cries while retouching her makeup. Legend.

Valentina should take notes on this telenovela realness.

Shea comes over to comfort Alexis and they talk about how hard this is. When Cracker slides over to join the conversation, Alexis tells her point-blank “I wish it was you.”

Somebody call 911.

The queens all get their turn to vote, then return to the main stage, where it’s time to reveal the lip-sync assassin of the week. Shea Couleé milks this dramatic moment for all it’s worth by modeling the shit out of the suspense.

This bitch.

It’s Alyssa Edwards!

Queen!

The lip-sync song is “Neutron Dance” by The Pointer Sisters. Alyssa Edwards looks great, but she’s weirdly lethargic for Alyssa. She drops her fan at the beginning, then just does some cute little casual dance moves. Nothing that amazing.

Someone get her some go-go juice!

Shea Couleé pees all over the goddamn stage. She twirls, she duckwalks, she bucks, she grinds on the floor… it’s a PRODUCTION.

DO IT MAMA

Shea Couleé wins the day, and reveals her lipstick:

As expected.

Ongina says that eleven years ago, RuPaul changed her life. Ru responds “Ongina, eleven years ago you changed my life.”

Aww!

Poor Ongina was so excited to be here, but I think she immediately got in her head the second she failed in the reading challenge and never managed to claw herself out of there. Of course, Cracker’s attack probably didn’t help. Still, she’ll always be a legend.

Adios, sweets.

How are our girls doing?

India Ferrah – India was on top of the world last week, so of course, there was nowhere to go but downhill from there. Still, she looked fabulous on the runway and one so-so performance doesn’t mean she’s done for already. I’m still rooting for her to do well.

Jujubee – I didn’t personally feel like Juju deserved a high placement this week, but she’s definitely got what it takes to make it to the top of the competition. I do hope she can pull off a win some time so we can see her amazing lip-syncing abilities again.

Alexis Mateo – Alexis is bringing the talent AND the entertainment to this season, and I love to see it. She’s really here to remind everyone where Miss Vanjie‘s amazing personality comes from. I’ve always been a fan of hers, so I’m so happy she’s doing well so far.

Blair St. Clair – Little Blair St. Clair has somehow established herself as one of the frontrunners, at least for the first half of the season, which is kind of incredible. I love how much she’s grown and hope she keeps slaying her way to the top.

Miz Cracker – Oooo girl. I don’t think Cracker intended to suddenly become the season’s villain, but she sure did. She’s already gotten a lot of the girls annoyed with her. This bitch better do amazing for these next few challenges, because she won’t last long if she lands in the bottom.

Mayhem Miller – Mayhem did decently this week, but she’s still mostly fading into the background, which has always been a recurring theme for her. I want her to shine! But I’m just not sure she has the right personality for Drag Race.

Shea Couleé – What is there to even say? This gal is on a whole other level. Getting anyone else to compete against her just feels like putting those other girls through unnecessary torture.

Mariah Paris Balenciaga – Mariah’s not the funniest girl, and that may hurt her as the competition goes on. Sooner or later, we’re going to have a comedy challenge, and it’s going to be tricky for her to stand out among these huge personalities. I hope she can, though, because she’s BEAUTIFUL.

That’s all from me, sweeties. See y’all next week!

Leave a Reply
%d bloggers like this: