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I’m baaa-aaack!

I know, I know. I’m a bad girl. Let’s pretend I finished recapping Season 11, okay? Yes? Thank you. Onward to greener pastures, bitches!

It’s time to get Season 12 started with a brand-new batch of girls. No returning queens this year… thank God.

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The first queen in the door is Polynesian princess Brita. Like the… you know… water appliance… which can’t be named on TV because copyright. Lesson learned, ladies: Don’t base your drag name on a company ’cause they won’t allow you to use it when you get famous.

Anyway, Brita comes in with her fluffy pet, spills half her martini on the floor and slurps down the other half, and I’m into her already.

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Here comes the French girl! So, y’all may not know this about yours truly, but I’m as French as they come. So seeing my country represented here makes me very very happy. I’m about to be biased as fuck for Miss Nicky Doll, so just be ready for that.

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She betta du: it’s Widow Von’Du! (Yes, I am absolutely going to make that joke on a weekly basis). Widow enters in all black, like the grim reaper. And girl, these other hoes are about to get reaped.

I SAID REAPED. WITH AN E. JESUS.

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I’m already in love with this next girl. Jackie Cox comes in with this fab little Minnie Mouse number, proudly representing her Persian heritage. Brita already knows this girl, and she says that while Jackie may not excel in the lewk department, her smarts and culture are going to take her far.

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Y’all better be ready, because Heidi N Closet is about to take over the mothertucking world. First of all, that name. Enough said. But ALSO, she comes in with this wild high-pitched “mating call,” as she puts it, and introduces her style as being “SPF 100: Sassy, Professional, Fierce, and she keeps it 100.” What more is there to say?

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C’mon, Pirates of the Caribbean! Gigi Goode is here to represent Los Angeles, and I think she’s going to do her city proud. She is a fierce, hyper-polished entertainter. Yes, she may be a fashion queen first and foremost, but I’ve seen this girl perform live and she has more than one trick up her embroidered sleeve.

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This next one is a character. Crystal Methyd frightens me a little, but she also seems undeniably talented as fuck. This is our “weirdo” queen of the year, and judging from past experiences, these ladies should NEVER be underestimated.

The seven girls who’ve entered so far wonder who else is going to come in, but lo and behold, RuPaul‘s “she done already done had herses” rings out.

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Beyon-say what?

Is there no budget this year? Did they spend it all on Trinity The Tuck and Monét X Change?

Mama RuPaul comes in wearing a cross AND a Star of David.

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Okay, Miss Thing, I see you.

As it turns out, we’re pulling out the old Season 6 trick of splitting the premiere in two. These seven girls are the only ones who’ll be performing this week!

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Oh, werk.

Speaking of getting inspiration from previous seasons, this first episode’s mini-challenge is a callback to Season 7. The queens will be walking in a fashion show, displaying a spring lewk and a fall lewk. The resident fashun girls are already very excited.

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She is ready for this. She was MADE for this.

It’s time to touch the fashion! Ru, Michelle VisageCarson KressleyRaven, and two special guests are here.

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Oh wow.

First, the Spring Collection!

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Brita is serving turcoaahse excellence with this little number. It’s a little on the basic side, but it’s polished and that’s something.

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Nicky Doll brought flowers to the party and she is serving them with class and eloguence. The red hair is a bold choice, but it works.

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Widow Von’Du is wearing aggressively fluorescent neoprene on the runway. It’s one of those “so ugly it’s beautiful” moments. Like, it’s awful… and amazing.

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Jackie Cox is giving us very New York City, very ’60s lady on the go. It’s all quite glam. I like it.

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Heidi N Closet looks incredible in this Nubian queen at Coachella lewk. It’s everything… until the hat falls off and she is snatched bald.

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Nooooo!

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Gigi is looking fantastic in this flashy biker getup. Her makeup is so flawless. This girl is already establishing herself as the unparalleled fashion queen here. Sorry, Nicky!

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Crystal Methyd’s look is out there, like her, but it really works. The color association between her clothes, hair, and makeup are all really satisfying to look at. Well done, queen.

Now for Fall!

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Brita is giving us an interesting gown put together from two different pieces. It’s cute, though, like her last look, not particularly transcendent.

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Nicky Doll is pulling out all the stops with this Parisian high-fashion beauty. I love everything about it. She’s wearing a MONOCLE. Eat it.

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Widow Von’Du’s hair is working, the construction of her outfit is pretty cool, but the bland beige coloring and lack of accessorizing makes it look a little blah.

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Jackie Cox is keeping with her ’60s New Yorker theme, giving us busy Manhattanite on her way to steal yo man and then make a fortune off of the best-seller she’ll write about the torrid affair.

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Heidi is SERVING with this gorgeous Wakanda-style dress and incredible coiffed helmet-hair. It’s a whole concept. Oh, and then she does a death drop for good measure. Golly!

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Gigi Goode is clearly this season’s Violet Chachki. This incredible nippy jockey lewk is very that. Also, it was made by her mom?! Like, her actual mother. Wow.

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Crystal Methyd has stolen Freddy Krueger’s look and made it fashion. It’s wild, it’s so accurate, it’s kinda fabulous. Toot.

With that gorgeous mini-challenge out of the way, the ladies return to the werk room to de-drag, which is where they all get to appreciate each other as boys for the first time. There are some lewks among these queens out of drag. Crystal Methyd has a full-on mullet.

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Well damn.

RuPaul returns to announce this first week’s maxi-challenge. The queens need to write and record verses on Ru’s brand-new song, “I’m That Bitch,” then lip-sync it live with choreography. All this on week one.

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No pressure!

When it comes down to choreography, the girls decide to let the two queens with dance experience, Heidi and Widow, take the lead. But very early on, things start going south. When Widow tries recycling the same ho-hum dance move for the fourth time, the other queens start to question her life choices.

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“What is happening”

Brita and Jackie jump in to try and salvage this mess by peppering in some of their ideas. Nicky makes a suggestion too, and at this point, Widow is OVER these girls pulling the blanket back and forth. It’s all a mess.

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So done.

It’s elimination day and the girls are barely ready for this challenge after that clusterfuck of a rehearsal. Everyone’s a little nervous – especially Heidi, who had an allergic reaction to something overnight (possibly kale? relatable) and needed to be taken to the ER. She’s gotten like a single hour of sleep.

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Heidi, you in danger, girl.

Nicky and Jackie discuss their heritage while doing their makeup. In Iran, being gay is still punishable by death. Meanwhile, Nicky has Moroccan origins and spent some time there, where men can get arrested for kissing another man in public. The girls discuss wanting to make sure that the United States don’t ever regress to that stage.

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Preach, sis.

It’s time for the good part: the main stage! Instead of Ru, our extra special guest judge Nicki Minaj comes down the runway!

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She did that.

Finally, RuPaul follows.

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C’mon, legs.

Let’s get this rap number going!

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Brita goes first and while her number isn’t stellar, it’s still full of energy and starts things off strong.

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Crystal Methyd’s rap is great. It’s very kooky, very Milk, but she sells the fantasy and does a great job at introducing herself.

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Gigi Goode has a huge mouth and very intense eyes, which makes her lip-syncing extremely impressive. This one is dangerous, hennie.

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Heidi N Closet straight-up starts breakdancing on the main stage, all but securing her new status here as a fierce dancer and lip-syncer.

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Jackie Cox isn’t an amazing dancer and her rap isn’t an absolute killer, but it’s cleverly written and she looks great.

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Nicky Doll’s rap is a tiny bit hard to understand at times because of her accent, but she’s also singing it rather than full-on rapping, which is a nice touch. Also, she looks great.

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Last but most certainly not least, Widow Von’Du absolutely murders the stage with her dancing, contortion, and overall presence. Shoot.

Now for the runway. The category is “Sparkle”!

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Brita is looking gorgeous in this little silver number, and the headwrap is a cute touch. Like her other lewks, it’s not knocking anything out of the park, but it works.

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Crystal Methyd is serving us monster from the underworld realness with this devil getup. I LOVE the frilly collar, and her makeup is super fierce.

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Gigi is looking REALLY Goode (not sorry) in this glitter-covered high-fashion number. The helmet is a really interesting touch.

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Oh, Heidi. The gown she’s wearing is gorgeous, but the hair and that bejeweled accessory she’s got sitting on her hairline are just not the T, mawma. It’s unfortunate.

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Jackie Cox is giving us Valley of the Dolls realness with this gorgeous number. I’m seriously into this queen’s penchant for vintage lewks.

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Nicky Doll looks flaw-free in this metallic feather number. Her makeup is super gorgeous and she is selling the garment.

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Widow Von’Du is looking polished, incredibly color-coordinated, and just really bold and fabulous. Issa toot.

The critiques come around, and most of the queens get very positive reviews. Heidi, however, is told by Nicki that her hair and makeup are terrible.

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Damn gurl.

Nicky is told she blended into the background a little during the number. Just about everyone else is praised for their lewks and performances. And during deliberations, Nicki Minaj shows off her own verse for “I’m That Bitch.” And girl, it is good.

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She betta Von’Du.

Backstage in the Untucked lounge, the queens discuss the critiques. Nicky Doll explains she feels uncomfortable being out of her element. The queens don’t understand her at first, but she explains how the language barrier prevents her from being her true, charismatic, unfiltered self. It’s hard to be funny when you have to translate everything you want to say in your head first.

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Can confirm. The struggle is real.

Heidi talks about how she always feels like an outsider and has been hurt so much she’s always afraid to open up to people. This is a very scary new experience for her.

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Poor baby!

The girls each name who’s their biggest competition here. Nicky, Gigi, Widow, Crystal, Heidi, and – most of all – Jackie are named. Meaning Brita is the only one no one considers their biggest competition.

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Ouch.

Nicki Minaj comes into the Untucked lounge and asks the queens if they have any questions for her. Heidi immediately jumps in to ask “What is it that you hate so much about my face?”

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Gagging.

Nicki gives Heidi some helpful advice on skin tone and makeup blending. Heidi still looks a little miffed, though.

Back on the main stage, the verdict is in: Brita, Jackie, Crystal are declared safe. Then, shockingly, Nicky and Heidi are also told they’re safe. Gigi and Widow are the only ones left on the stage. Gigi and Widow?!

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Say what now?

Plot twist: No one’s going home and Gigi and Widow are the top two!

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Sweet baby Jesus.

Gigi and Widow must lip-sync to Nicki Minaj’s “Starships” (LOVE THAT SONG) to win this episode!

Gigi knows she’s not going to out-dance Widow, so she wisely goes for the comedic angle and really kills it. On the lyric “get on the floor”, she literally lays down on the stage.

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Biiiiitch.

Widow is literally dancing circles around Gigi, though, and if the kicking and bucking and splits were not enough, the bitch breaks into freaking contortion and starts to bend her arms and legs backward.

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Kill it! Kill it!

Widow murders the performance, despite Gigi’s very good showing. She wins the first challenge of the season and a cash tip of $5,000!

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Well deserved, bitch.

That’s it for this week, ladies!

Time for our first run-down of the year!

Brita – Miss Brita is sweet, funny, and charismatic, and I hope she brings her Polynesian heritage to the runway. But there is a lot of tough competition this year, and she is going to have to bring it a lot harder if she wants to stand out.

Crystal Methyd – Crystal started off strong this week, but as both a weirdo queen with shticky makeup and a relatively quiet person, she is everything the judges tend to dislike—Michelle especially. I hope she proves everyone wrong.

Gigi Goode – Damn, girl. What a way to start off the season. This girl came in, did the fucking thing, and established herself as a huge threat immediately. She’s fascinating to watch, and I see her going all the way.

Heidi N Closet – Heidi had a few tough setbacks this week, but soldiered through all of them and kicked ass regardless. She’s strong, and more importantly, she’s got a delightful personality. Fan favorite right here for sure.

Jackie Cox – Jackie is an enigma. She brings very smart, conceptual looks to the runway and everyone says she’s a very intelligent queen. I look forward to seeing how she brings those smarts to the main stage each week.

Nicky Doll – My obvious personal favorite, though she had a rough start with those critiques. Still, this girl is doing all of this in a language that is not her native tongue, and she deserves massive respect for that. Bravo, mademoiselle.

Widow Von’Du – I’ll be honest: from watching the Meet the Queens segments, I’d pegged Widow as the most likely first out. Gurl, was I proven wrong. She is a fierce dancer and has a very interesting fashion sense to boot. What a strong start.

This is a very strong season so far and I cannot wait to see what it has in store for us. Next week, we meet the next batch of girls!

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