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Previously on All Stars: The contestants were given another one of those goofy-ass scripted acting challenges and did their best with it. Naomi Smalls and Latrice Royale had a tiff about who did the worst. And Latrice was sent home for the fourth. Goddamn. Time.

The queens get back to the werk room and celebrate making it to the top motherfuckin’ four! Trinity The Tuck channels Sasha Velour and emits this 10-second-long, high-pitched scream of joy.

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“Are you fucking done bitch”

Monét X Change asks Monique Heart whose lipstick she chose, and things get awkward. After some insisting, Monique tells Monét she chose her.

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The goop is so strong with this one she done lost her damn nose.
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Psych!

Clever bitch. She had Monét quaking in them boots.

The next morning, RuPaul announces the final challenge: the queens must write their own lyrics, then dance to them, in a Rumix of RuPaul’s “Super Queen.” To do that, they will, as is Drag Race tradition, be assisted by Todrick Hall.

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“Oh… Great.”

In between songwriting sessions, Monique and Monét sit down together to discuss the possibility of the highly melanated Season 10 Sisterhood making the top two together. Monique talks about how inspiring that would be, especially if one of them won.

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Amen, sis.

Meanwhile, Trinity and Naomi talk about this upcoming final challenge. Trinity is worried because she kind of fucked up her lyrics on “Category Is” back on Season 9 (I mean… allegedly. I enjoyed them). Miss Tuck is scared of making it all the way to the top four only to completely fail at everything and be the world’s laughingstock.

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The pressure is on, gurl.

The ladies head to the main stage to learn choreography with Todrick Hall, and Naomi Smalls quickly realizes she’s met her backup dancer before. Things get a little flirty before long.

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Okay, sexy dancer, I see you with the suggestive arm rub.

Todrick spies an opportunity to do his absolute favorite thing: embarrass a queen in front of everybody during choreography practice.

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“You are messy and unfocused and do you know what happens to queens who are messy and unfocused they get CUT do you want to get CUT no okay I didn’t think so so let’s get back to it you stupid lazy bitch”

Todrick wants the queens to do a cartwheel. Monét and Trinity come out of it okay, Naomi kills it, and then comes Monique Heart’s turn. She did this one really horrible cartwheel during the catastrophic lip-sync that sent her home on Season 9, and she still hasn’t learned how to execute one properly. The next few minutes have Monique trying to do a cartwheel and Trinity dying of laughter.

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Can these two have their own show together? Pretty please?

Trinity The Tuck is having trouble with her solo’s dancing. She’s an amazing lip-syncer, but choreography is just not her strong suit.

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“I have never been more disappointed in my life you are an embarrassment to the art of drag I cannot even look at you right now you need to go back to your sad little hotel room and think about what you’ve done and come back when you’re ready to not be a failure”

Monét X Change, on the other hand, is murdering her bit already.

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Werk that big ol’ booty.

With choreography over with, the girls go record a podcast with Ru and Michelle Visage, one at a time—Monét X Change first. The gal comes in with her sponge crown, talking about her first run on the show and how she fucked up the runway parts. This year, she managed to prove you can come back from a fashion oh-no-she-betta-don’t.

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Yay growth!

Monique Heart is next. She talks about how in her old life, she was a minister and led a conversion therapy group before she finally came out, left that life behind, lost like 150 pounds, and got into drag.

Ru and Michelle politely nod along to the conversion therapy part but get all scandalized when they learn Mo-Mo was 300 pounds. Forget her incredible coming out story! She used to be FAT!

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“Oh that’s what you want to make a big deal about okay stunning”

Naomi Smalls is next, and she and Michelle Visage talk about likability and relatability. It’s something Naomi struggles with when attempting to be an aloof supermodel queen—it’s not something many people feel they can relate to, obviously, and it’s an issue with Naomi’s drag style.

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Wise queen.

Trinity The Tuck is last on the podcast, and the three of them talk about how Trinity has let her walls down and is allowing herself to go through the emotions she wasn’t letting herself feel during Season 9. Ru and Michelle tell her she’s extremely likable.

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Naomi Smalls found dead.

The next morning, the queens come in to find… other queens in the werk room. It’s the previous winners of All Stars—Chad Michaels, Alaska, and Trixie Mattel! And there’s a twist: they will be the ones to decide who wins this season.

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A bunch of white people who have no idea what’s going on who are deciding things for everybody else… Sounds like our government.

JK Kimora! No stupid twists this year. All Stars has learned its lesson from the Shangela fiasco. Phew. The Hall of Famers exit stage right after a little kiki with the contestants.

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Oh, work bitch.

Trinity The Tuck has had it, officially. She’s getting really anxious about her performance and her standing in the competition, and while she is technically the frontrunner, she’s not leading by a lot and she’s super nervous about how this is gonna turn out.

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The fatigue is kicking in hennie.

And speaking of fatigue, Monique Heart is also done with everything. She’s exhausted, emotional, and shaky. It’s going to be a challenge for her to rally what’s left of her strength for this performance.

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She gone girl.

Now for the main stage! Yas.

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I mean it’s okay. She’s done better this season.
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We start things off with the long-awaited final four performance, and Monét X Change begins with an amazing number in an even more amazing Dora Milaje-inspired lewk. Wakand-oh yes she betta DO.

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Monique Heart looks decent, but her number, performance, and overall energy just feel very very weak for Monique. Guess the exhaustion got to her, which is such a shame.

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Naomi Smalls is the lucky recipient of the song’s bridge, which lets her vocals stand out way more. She looks great and kills her part.

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Trinity The Tuck looks good, though her verse is not the strongest. It’s a decent performance. She looks expensive though.

Ladies and ladies, the final four runway: “All Star Eleganza.”

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Monét X Change is serving black excellence with this gorgeous gown and super beautiful makeup, and that hair is just pure C.U.N.T. I live for it.

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Monique Heart looks beautiful, but for a “final four couture” look, this feels a tad insufficient. Again, it’s a shame.

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Naomi Smalls is serving fashion on a platter with this gorgeous sculptural gown and a killer reveal. It’s amazeballs.

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You want some drama? Trinity The Tuck has all the hot tea. Literally. This bitch has actual teacups on her fucking dress. Werk. That. Gown.

This the final episode, so as is tradition, critiques and deliberations don’t mean much because the judges are trying very hard to be as nice as possible to all the queens. So let’s skip past that all that shenaniganry, hennie.

I will take one brief moment, however, to acknowledge Carson Kressley saying he’s bitter that Naomi Smalls eliminated Manila Luzon.

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Biiiiiiiiitch she right tho.

With the deliberations over with, the queens return in their lip-sync eleganza, ready to tear it up. However, only two ladies will get a chance to do so: Monét X Change and Trinity The Tuck.

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Yay!

This is the end of the road for Naomi Smalls and Monique Heart. They are both fierce as fuck, but at the end of the day, they were not quite perfect for the crown.

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I’ll miss them, though.

Now for the final lip-sync! It’s set to “Fighter” by Christina Aguilera (hi, Farrah! I just saw Farrah girl!).

Both girls completely kill the number. Trinity The Tuck serves hairography, has a tuck reveal, and does all of the flips and tumbles. She’s fierce as hell. Monét X Change does a twirling split, completely embodies the song, and her performance culminates in a fucking jaw-dropping pussycat-wig-on-pussycat-wig reveal.

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WERK. IT. OUT.

With that amazing lip-sync out of the way, the Hall of Fame winners return to the main stage.

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Chad… It’s a boot, baby, I’m sorry.

All that’s left is to crown the winner. But who deserves it more? Trinity The Tuck, who’s had a flawless run and has deserved the win since her first season? Or Monét X Change, who’s had such an incredible glow-up and just murdered this competition?

Well, through a little movie magic (and I mean iMovie, because… it’s not the best editing, gurl), the winner is… both of them!

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G A S P

It’s a tie! Monét X Change and Trinity The Tuck BOTH win RuPaul’s Drag Race All Stars 4, and they each get one hundred thousand dollahs. Werk that VH1 budget.

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You get a scepter!
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YOU get a scepter!
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Everybody gets a scepter!

So, with a little trickery and riggory, All Stars 4 comes to a close. Was the ending a bit of a letdown? Yes. A tie inevitably cheapens the win.

But did they both deserve it? Abso-fuckin’-lutely.

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Condragulations, ladies.

What did y’all think? Personally, I think this was my favorite season of Drag Race ever. It was practically perfect in every way, and I’m going to miss this cast.

But it’s okay, we have Season 11 starting in like 5 minutes to distract us from All Stars 4’s end! The gaggerini never stops!

Okay bye!

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