Welcome back, hennies! It’s time for All Stars 4 and I am so excited. Let’s get into this gig!
We start off with a little intro from RuPaul about searching the far reaches of the universe for her most legendary childrenses.
We get a comic book-y shot of our current All Star hall of fame: Chad Michaels, Alaska Thunderfuck, and Trixie Mattel.
First one in the werk room is none other than the incomparable Monique Heart!
Monique says it herself—her biggest issue in season 10 was her lack of funds. But now, she’s a new woman, and ready to hit these other queens with everything she’s got.
We have a crazy reveal for our next one.
Taylor The Tuck! Our plastic queen from season 9 is back to slay everybody. And she is serving a crazy, polarizing high-fashion moment. It’s a lot, but I’m kinda into it.
Naomi Smalls is here! She’s back to prove to everyone that she is more than just a body. Trinity is not convinced.
Monét X Change is in the house to collect her money! Like her beloved season 10 sister, the sponge queen is here to show that her lewks have improved since last year.
But as happy as she is to see her, Monique is not impressed with the presentation thus far.
G-G-G-Gia! The sexy tilapia from season 6 is here, and she is now a full-grown trans woman. Gia Gunn is about to let these bitches have it.
Farrah Moan is here! She comes in with one of her signature moans, showing she knows exactly who she is. But is there any more to her than that? That’s what we’re here to find out.
It’s Jasmine Masters! The “meme queen” is here to get a second chance at the crown. Everyone is pleasantly surprised to see her here, and—shocker—no one is throwing any shade at her. Yas, sisterhood.
With Jush’s appearance, though, the girls start discussing the past seasons. Monét X Change says she thinks seasons 7 and 9 were pretty boring, and Trinity The Tuck is not about that. Things are getting sassy already!
The legendary Valentina is back, and this time, she doesn’t have anything on her mouth.
The queens immediately start talking about her beef with Farrah Moan from the season 9 reunion, but Farrah insists they’ve made up and are close friends now. There is no drama to be found here, she says!
The “she done already done had herses” alarm sounds, and the queens are shooketh that there’s only eight of them here. What’s the deal?
Ru is here! Like last year, All Stars rules are still on: the top two queens of each maxi-challenge will Lip-Sync For Their Legacy™ for a $10,000 cash prize and the power to send one of the bottom girls home.
But wait, there’s a twist! Ru is reintroducing Team Latrila: Latrice Royale and Manila Luzon!
The gals from All Stars 1 are back! Latrice Motherfuckin’ Royale and Manila Luzon crashed and burned back on their All Stars season because of those damn team rules, which led to them dragging each other down. So this time, they’re competing individually!
The other girls welcome the returning queens back—and are also extremely relieved that Ru is not bringing back the teams situation from All Stars 1.
Now for the next bit: Ru brings in the Pit Crew with some glasses.
The library is open, darlings! It’s time for the queens to read each other.
Monique Heart reads Naomi Smalls for her cliffhangers, then turns it around and compares her to Ru for the same reason.
Farrah Moan attempts some reads, but it all lands really really poorly. Starting where we left off with this one, I guess.
Gia Gunn blows right past the friendly reading session and goes straight for the kill, calling Farrah Moan “untalented and unoriginal.”
Latrice Royale reads Naomi for her lack of brains, Valentina for being two-faced, and Jush for being from a shitty season—but all in good fun.
The mini-challenge winner is Latrice!
For the very first maxi-challenge, as is now standard for All Stars premieres, the queens are tasked with showcasing their best talents in a variety show.
The queens get out of drag, unpack their suitcases, and start kiki-ing as they’re getting things ready for their first challenge. Monique is pulling out literal mountains of brown cow fabric. While wearing brown cow fabric. And preparing to sing about brown cows.
Gia thinks Monique and Farrah are a bit lacking in “All Star” material. But she’s mostly keeping it to herself… for now.
The next morning, the queens return to continue getting ready. Jasmine Masters tells Monique Heart and Latrice Royale she’s planning on doing some stand-up improv for the variety show. Monique asks if she’s writing anything down or preparing some sort of outline. The answer is no.
Valentina has a lil’ reveal for her confessional look: her eyebrows are drawn on! She actually has NO eyebrows.
Gia Gunn comes for Trinity The Tuck’s variety show talent, a tucking tutorial. Gia doesn’t think that’s a talent, and Jasmine Masters agrees.
It’s time for the main stage!
Monique Heart opens the show with a hell of a number. The girl is singing—actually singing—her own song, all the while dancing and doing splits and dips.
Naomi Smalls is doing a lip-sync to her own song. She does a lot of sexy model-y poses, but it’s all fairly dull until she pops her wig off.
Gia Gunn has this magical geisha-inspired kabuki performance full of sparkly Sasha Velour-like reveals. It’s seriously beautiful, and a really refreshing change of pace.
Trinity’s got a comedic lip-sync performance to her own recorded track, showing—without really showing, because censorship—how she’s earned the name “The Tuck.” It’s cute and fun, but a little slow until she finally does show off the product of her work.
Farrah Moan is doing a burlesque number. But it’s awkward and not at all that sexy.
And then she slips on her dress.
Monét X Change starts off with some fairly decent live singing, then transitions into some lip-syncing and dancing, like most of these other gals are doing. The song is pretty catchy, and her dancing is on point. Oh, and of course, it’s all about sponges.
Manila Luzon is going for Bob Ross realness and painting for her variety show. Like actually painting something. It looks super weird and no one really gets what it is until she flips the canvas around to reveal this beautiful vase with flowers… and then has a sudden outfit change to reveal a dress that looks the same as her painting.
Jasmine Masters comes in for her stand-up act, which is about some dude she went on a date with that had terrible breath from “eating assholes.”
It’s pretty terrible.
Latrice Royale makes up for Jasmine’s bit with this fabulous lip-sync and flag-twirling session. It’s pretty much flawless, and so pretty.
Last but not least, Valentina comes in doing her own lip-sync to a song of her making. Her dancing is excellent, her lip-syncing is on point, but it’s all in Spanish—which, granted, is 100% her brand, but it makes her intro (“this is a story about the power of your words”) a little confusing.
The variety show wraps up and the verdict is in: Gia Gunn, Valentina, Manila Luzon, and Latrice Royale are all safe.
Monique Heart and Trinity The Tuck are praised for their fun, entertaining performances. Naomi Smalls is given mostly good critiques, which… her act, compared to Gia Gunn’s… eh.
Monét X Change is asked to tone down the sponge shtick a little bit. Farrah Moan lets out the waterworks when Michelle Visage says she looked nervous. Guest judge Jenifer Lewis calls her “nervous shit” boring.
Jasmine Masters is given the obvious critique: girl, you should’ve rehearsed!
Monique and Trinity are the top two of the week!
Naomi and Monét are safe, so Monique and Trinity are going to have to choose between Farrah and Jasmine.
The ladies return to the werk room for some drama and deliberations. Right away, Monique sits down with Farrah and tells her “I love you, but your crying annoys me.”
On the opposite end of the spectrum, Jushmine is fully unaffected by this slip-up. She thinks she did fine in the challenge and that her jokes were just not up to the judges’ taste level. Or the audience’s. Or the other queens’.
It’s time for the first lip-sync of the season! Trinity and Monique are performing to “Emotions” by Mariah Carey. Yas.
The lip-sync feels like a close tie for the entire first half. But then Monique’s wig starts slipping and she rips it off.
On the funny side, her wig flies so high it gets stuck in the rafters!
Meanwhile, Trinity, who changed her outfit for the lip-sync and looks absolutely stun, is fully feeling the fantasy—but throwing in a touch of comedy too, because you just can’t do Mariah with a straight face. You just can’t!
The winner of the lip-sync is… Trinity!
Monique is safe—but not before being told by Mama Ru herself that she needs to get her shit together and stop losing her wig during lip-syncs.
It’s time for Trinity to pull out the elimination lipstick from her tiddy.
Trinity has chosen: Jasmine is going home. She accepts it happily and without a single tear. If anything, I really admire her zen. She is completely unflappable, and not a lot of gals would be able to keep their cool in that situation.
Time for our weekly run-down!
Monique Heart – Monique is definitely brown cow stunning. But I hope she does more than JUST wear brown cow print the whole competition. I’m glad she’s gotten a little rudemption already. Let’s see how things go for her in the next few challenges.
Naomi Smalls – Naomi may have officially placed high in the variety show, but she’s been very “meh” to me so far. I’m hoping she can stand out a little more going forward.
Gia Gunn – Gia is magical, from her kabuki performance to her proud trans identity to her extreme ruthless shade toward other queens. She is a powerhouse and television gold all in one. I hope she sticks around.
Trinity The Tuck – The name change is really hard to get used to, but the gal has gotten off to a great start. I think she’s absolutely making it far in this competition—her talent is undeniable.
Farrah Moan – The show seems to be angling for a Farrah-Gia rivalry storyline, but I don’t know how long that’s going to last. Farrah is cute, but let’s face it, she doesn’t quite have that “oomph” factor that most of the other queens do.
Monét X Change – Monét “Soak it Up” song is super catchy, but now that she’s brought back the sponge joke, she needs to stop immediately and show us what else she can do. Otherwise she’ll just end up looking extremely one-note.
Manila Luzon – For a super-hyped returning legend, Manila didn’t get all that much screen time this week. I’m guessing she’ll get her chances later, because she’s been sort of in the background so far.
Latrice Royale – Latriiiiiiiiiice! Miss Royale is incredible. There’s no doubt about it. She’s extremely talented and her reactions are hi-larious. She’s definitely sticking around.
Valentina – Valentina is absolutely a superstar, and barring any “mask-gate” catastrophes in her future, she’s got a ticket straight to the top 5, at the very least. This latina diva isn’t going anywhere.
I have to say, I am in love with this cast so far. It’s strong, it’s fun, it’s entertaining. It’s all wonderful. Can’t wait till next week!