Previously on GoT: Arya and Sansa Stark got in an argument that ended with threats of face-stealing. Jon Snow and his fellow stooges traveled north of the Wall to capture a wight and show it to Queen Cersei Lannister. But when Daenerys Targaryen tried to help, one of her dragons got stabbed and turned into a zombie.
Daenerys, Jon, and Tyrion Lannister may have agreed to meet and negotiate a truce, but they’re not taking any chances. Both sides have brought their A-game to this meeting. And by A-game, I mean their full armies.
Bronn joins Jaime Lannister atop King’s Landing’s battlements after making preparations for a potential incoming battle. Bronn laments the lack of genitalia that all the Unsullied suffer from.
Then the Dothraki join the crew and Jaime and Bronn suddenly feel a lot less superior. An army of screaming horsemen will do that to you.
Meanwhile, down on Blackwater Bay, Jon, Tyrion, and the others are sailing into the city, their two or three ships looking pretty sad next to Euron Greyjoy‘s massive Iron Fleet. Jon asks Tyrion why the eff a good third of the world’s population would want to live crammed in this one stinky city.
In the ship’s hold, the Hound is checking on the wight that the team has so painstakingly brought down south. They’ve shoved him into a box, and he seems to be either sleeping or dead (again).
With a friendly knock on the box, the wight inside wakes the hell up and starts screaming all over again. His job done, the Hound steps out.
From within the Red Keep, Cersei Lannister is watching everyone approach. Qyburn explains the whereabouts of all the key players and says he isn’t sure where Daenerys is yet. Also, his cleavage is particularly scandalous today.
Jon, Tyrion, and the others are walking toward the Dragonpit, talking about dragons and pits, when Bronn comes to meet them with a whole bunch of Lannister soldiers.
Podrick Payne meets up with Tyrion, the first of many awesome reunions this week.
Brienne of Tarth walks alongside the Hound, and what could have been a very tense, aggressive reunion somehow turns sweet as the two bond over Arya and how badass she’s become.
Tyrion has a conversation with Bronn, finally, after having seen him twice this season without getting time to chat. Of course, they talk about money and terms of employment. Tyrion says he can double what Cersei and Jaime are paying him (how exactly?) and Varys is curious.
The united group arrives at the old ruins of the Dragonpit.
With the fancy people setting up around the dais, Bronn takes Podrick off to have a drink and pass the time. Yeah, who cares about a reunion featuring most of the show’s central characters? Lame.
Finally, the “villains” arrive.
So much awkwardness, y’all. Jaime and Brienne. Cersei and Tyrion. Euron and Theon. And last but not least, the Hound and the Mountain.
Daenerys is fashionably late, so all these people who kinda hate each other’s guts have to sit in silence and wait for her.
Finally, Dany does arrive, and she makes a hell of an entrance with Drogon and Rhaegal.
Daenerys takes her place in the parleying square thing and Cersei angrily tells her they’ve been waiting forever.
Tyrion starts to introduce the day’s agenda, but Euron Greyjoy interrupts to taunt Theon about Yara. And then he makes a size joke at Tyrion’s expense. As far as trolls go, Euron is definitely a winner.
Tyrion, Jon, and Dany finally get to the purpose of the meeting: army of the dead yadda yadda we’re all gonna die. They’re proposing a truce while Dany and Jon’s armies go deal with the Night King. Then everyone can get back to ruining each other’s lives. Of course, Cersei doesn’t believe them and isn’t interested.
Somehow, the Hound is strong enough to carry an entire box with a dead person inside on his back. No big deal. Sandor Clegane carefully opens the box and … nothing happens.
So Clegane kicks the box over, which effectively wakes the wight right up.
The wight makes a run straight for Cersei.
The Hound and Jon Snow team up to eliminate the wight – but not before everyone’s had a good long look at it in all its Walking Dead-y splendor.
Euron ensures the dead can’t swim, then peaces the fuck out.
With that, Cersei actually behaves reasonably for once and agrees to the truce – on the condition that Ned Stark‘s son and his northern armies remain neutral in the subsequent battle between Cersei and Daenerys.
Jon Snow behaves like a true Northerner, blabbing his mouth about how he has already bent the knee to Daenerys and can no longer be neutral. So Cersei cancels the truce negotiation and leaves. Good job, Jon.
Brienne catches up with Jaime and tries to convince him to talk some sense into his sister wife. “Fuck loyalty,” she declares, a pretty crazy thing for Brienne of Tarth of all people to say.
So, clearly Jon screwed the pooch – and I’m not talking about Sandor Clegane. The King in the North offers to go talk to Cersei and try to patch things up, but Tyrion is the one who ends up going. There’s like a 2% chance Cersei will be willing to listen if Tyrion goes, according to him. And Viserion died for this meeting to happen, so they’re gonna have to rely on that 2%.
As can be expected, Cersei and Tyrion’s meeting is not very pleasant. She accuses him of tearing their family apart, to which he suggests that she just kill him and get it over with.
Cersei talks about how she doesn’t give a crap what people think about her or the way she rules. She just wants to protect “those who matter.” And who could that be? Tyrion swiftly deduces that she’s preggers.
In the Dragonpit, Dany and Jon discuss House Targaryen and Jon tells her the evil spiteful witch from season 1 who told Daenerys she couldn’t have children could possibly, maybe, conceivably, have been lying. What a crazy idea!
Tyrion returns, and with him, Cersei and her crew. Something Tyrion has said must have changed her mind because she’s now willing to send her armies north to fight with Jon and Dany against the army of the dead.
Up in Winterfell, Sansa Stark is finally receiving news about Jon Snow’s newly forged alliance with Daenerys Targaryen – and the dethroning that that implies for the Northerners.
Littlefinger theorizes that Jon wants to marry Daenerys, or is at least thinking about the possibility. But a King in the North could be un-kinged, he suggests. Also, Arya probably wants to murder Sansa to become Lady of Winterfell and happily reunite with Jon without Sansa in the way. So maybe they both need to be disposed of.
Back in Dragonstone (because… you guessed it – teleportation), Jon Snow is planning for the Dothraki, Unsullied, and the rest of the bunch to travel North toward Winterfell. He suggests that Dany come with him on the boat to White Harbor, then ride through the North to his home to display their unity.
But Jorah Mormont thinks she’d be risking too much if she just rode through the Northern lands. Daenerys has to pick between Jon and Jorah’s suggestions – a very symbolic choice – and goes for Jon.
Stopping Jon and Ser Davos Seaworth in the throne room, Theon Greyjoy asks to speak with Jon mano a mano.
In his usual half-terrified, half-tearful way, Theon tells Jon he always seems to know what’s right – and Theon, on the other hand, has made a crapton of poor life choices based on never knowing whether he should be a Stark or a Greyjoy.
Feeling much calmer now that he’s probably about to get into Dany’s pants, Jon Snow forgives Theon for the majority of his crimes and tells him he doesn’t have to choose. He’s both. Stark AND Greyjoy. Does someone have a tissue?
Emboldened by Jon’s kindness, Theon goes to the beach, where the remaining Greyjoy men (all twelve of them!) are packing their shit up to go be mean pirates again. Theon tries to convince them to give up on that idea and save Yara instead.
Obviously, Harrag and the other Ironborn aren’t super keen on that idea, and Harrag even spits in Theon’s face to really drive the point home. How crass! So then things get physical.
Theon kind of gets his ass handed to him, but he probably has a pretty spectacular tolerance for pain given his track record, so he keeps getting up. Finally, Harrag attempts to really hurt him where it counts by kneeing him in the privates. Except Theon is basically a Ken doll, so no privates.
Thanks to that awesome little advantage – which Theon takes a tiny amount of actual pride in for once – the little Greyjoy prince turns the tables and wins the fight. The Ironborn are suckers for displays of strength, no matter how weird, so they’re gonna go along with Theon’s idea now. Victory!
In Winterfell, Sansa finally forces herself to go through with what she now sees as inevitable. She has Arya brought into the great hall for judging.
Sansa starts the whole accusation of murder and betrayal of the Stark family and my heart is falling apart for Arya and Sansa… but suddenly she turns her head to address the TRUE accused in this surprise trial.
Oh SNAP. Littlefinger is the one that’s actually on trial here. Sansa and Arya evidently staged this whole thing to catch him off guard and prevent him from hatching an escape plan.
Sansa pulls out Petyr’s long list of crimes: Murdering Aunt Lysa Arryn, killing Jon Arryn and pinning it on the Lannisters, betraying Ned Stark…
No one was there to know what actually happened in King’s Landing, Petyr says to defend himself. Except Bran – who has finally decided to make himself useful – sees everything, and he saw Littlefinger betray Ned.
Arya reveals that the Stark kids now know the Valyrian steel dagger was Littlefinger’s all along – he was the one who tried to have Bran murdered to further fuck up relations between the Starks and the Lannisters.
Sansa quietly lets out a few tears as she goes through with the unexpected sentencing of Petyr Baelish.
And with that, Arya walks over and slits his throat.
Down goes one of the biggest evil masterminds in Game of Thrones. Defeated by his one weakness – Sansa, who has learned to play the game better than him.
In King’s Landing, Jaime Lannister is doling out some strategic plans for his generals when Cersei interrupts him to talk alone. Right away, she calls him an idiot repeatedly. Turns out she was lying through her teeth when she agreed to the truce. Now there’s the Cersei we know.
Cersei noticed Daenerys’s third dragon was missing, which means it might be dead. So Dany isn’t unstoppable. Cersei plans to let the Starks and Targaryens fight to the death (literally) against the Night King, at which point she’ll swoop in and take out whatever’s left with her newly purchased Golden Company – 20,000 mercenaries from Essos.
And how will they come to Westeros? With Euron Greyjoy’s help. He was faking his cowardly exit earlier too.
Jaime refuses to go along with Cersei’s craziness. He pledged to ride north and help the Starks and the Targaryens, and that’s what he’s going to do. But Cersei has the Mountain stop him. She’s not letting him go.
Jaime asks if Cersei’s going to actually have Ser Gregor kill him. And it kinda looks like it.
Jaime calls her bluff, though, and walks right out of there. You guys. I think Cersei and Jaime just broke up.
So Jaime gets on a horse rides the hell away from King’s Landing. On the way out, he finds snow falling down on the city.
Samwell Tarly and Gilly have arrived at Winterfell! Samwell goes to visit Bran first and foremost, and the younger Stark sibling tells him he’s the Three-Eyed Raven now.
Bran tells Sam that Jon and Daenerys are on their way to Winterfell together. Oh, and by the way, Jon Snow is the son of Rhaegar Targaryen (Daenerys’s dead older brother) and Lyanna Stark (Bran’s dead aunt). So he’s actually Jon Sand, because he was born in Dorne.
Turns out Samwell was listening through his whole crisis of conscience when Gilly talked about Rhaegar’s annulment with his then-wife Elia Martell (Ellaria Sand’s dead sister-in-law. Are you keeping up?).
Rhaegar and Lyanna were married in secret, and they had a baby in secret. And then they died.
So. Jon Snow’s real given name is Aegon Targaryen. He is a legitimate heir of both House Stark and House Targaryen. And the rightful heir to the Iron Throne, too. Oh, and Daenerys Targaryen’s nephew. Oops too late they’re having sex.
Back in Winterfell, Arya and Sansa are finally being honest and open and loving sisters again.
The girls quote their father’s wise words – “When the snows fall and the white winds blow, the lone wolf dies, but the pack survives.” They stand there, together, on the battlements of Winterfell, quietly missing their dad.
Meanwhile, Bran is warging through a bunch of ravens again, hanging out at Eastwatch-by-the-Sea where Tormund Giantsbane and Ser Beric Dondarrion still are. Without further ado, the army of the dead shows up at their doorstep.
But wait! That’s not all they brought. The Night King is riding zombie Viserion!
The Wall was designed to magically withstand the zombies and White Walkers. It’s not going to withstand dragon fire. So Viserion goes to work literally melting the Wall.
Boom. Down goes the Wall.
And just like that, the army of the dead is through.
Okay but did Tormund die?! Because that’s not okay!
Guess what – we won’t find out for like a year and a half. Hahaaaaa… I’m gonna go jump off a bridge now bye.
Final tally of the season!
R.I.P.: The Freys. Obara, Nymeria, and Tyene Sand. Ellaria Sand (?). Olenna Tyrell. Randyll and Dickon Tarly. Thoros of Myr. Viserion. Benjen Stark. Littlefinger. And thousands of soldiers and bannermen on all sides.
MVPs, in no particular order: Arya Stark, Euron Greyjoy, Cersei Lannister, Daenerys Targaryen, Jon Snow, Jaime Lannister, Gendry, and Sansa Stark.
How about some predictions for next season?
– Jaime Lannister runs into Meera Reed on his way north and they have an extremely awkward conversation about Bran.
– Melisandre is set on fire by the Lord of Light. Motive TBD.
– Tormund Giantsbane survives the fall of the Wall, takes credit for it, and renames himself Tormund Wallsbane.
– Brienne of Tarth agrees to a polygamous marriage with Jaime Lannister, the Hound, and Tormund Wallsbane. Tormund and the Hound occasionally keep themselves sexually satisfied with Gendry while Jaime hogs the wife.
– Realizing he’s a Targaryen, Jon Snow demands that Daenerys renames Rhaegal “Jonal” in his honor.
– Cersei Lannister marries Euron Greyjoy, is introduced to sailing through him, and ditches the Iron Throne to become a pirate.
– Grey Worm, Varys, and Theon Greyjoy found the League of Penisless Vigilantes. Jorah Mormont is allowed to join them because he might as well have nothing down there for how little action he gets.
These things are all totally gonna happen. You heard it here first. See you all when season 8 rolls around… if we haven’t all died from nuclear war by then!
Thanks for reading!