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Previously on GoT: Daenerys Targaryen decided to allow Jon Snow to mine the dragonglass on Dragonstone. Cersei Lannister promised all of the monies to Tycho NestorisGrey Worm and the Unsullied thought they’d take down most of the Lannisters at Casterly Rock, but the lion’s share of them (get it?) was at Highgarden to eliminate Olenna Tyrell instead.

Jaime Lannister is monitoring the numerous convoys of gold and valuables (and Loras Tyrell‘s old gay porn mags) that the Lannister army is escorting back up to King’s Landing. He hands Bronn a huge sack of money, but Bronn wants the castle and the lands and the rich wife with the bangin’ titties he was promised like four seasons ago.


“Maybe not in those words, but you promised, man!”

Jaime is like, “you just got money, shut up,” but it’s true Bronn deserves a tad more for all the shit he’s been put through by the Lannisters. Instead, Jaime just assigns him to more lame work with Randyll and Dickon Tarly.


“Go bully some farmers, kthxbye”

Up in King’s Landing, Tycho Nestoris is chatting Cersei up about how great and talented she is and how he’s so excited he’s about to get his money back. Clearly, his drivel is not exciting to Cersei in the slightest, though.


“Fuck this where’s my wine”

She tells him she plans to hire the Golden Company mercenaries in Essos and will probably be investing more in the near future. Tycho is glad to help.


“As long as I get my money up front.”


“Remember what happened to the Sept of Baelor? Yeah. Shut your greedy pie hole.”

Up in Winterfell, Littlefinger is gifting his old Valyrian steel dagger to Bran Stark – the same dagger that was intended to kill him. That’s a little awkward, but okay. Petyr makes this whole impassioned speech about regretting Catelyn‘s death and wanting to be here for her children now. And then Bran interrupts him out of the blue with an incriminating quote of Petyr’s from years ago.


“You can’t fool the three-eyed raven, beeyotch.”


“… Oh. Alright then.”

Littlefinger heads out with his tail between his legs while Meera Reed comes in to announce she’s heading south to rejoin her family. She’s clearly hoping Bran will ask her to stay.


“So are you going to propose or…”

But Bran, ever the emotionless robot, is like “alright, close the door on your way out.”


“So I did all that and I don’t get anything out of this?!”

Bran reveals he’s barely really Bran anymore, and Meera comes to the metaphorical conclusion that the real Bran basically died along with Hodor and Summer. Which is… really sad. But it explains why he’s being a dick to everybody now. This looks like Bran. But it’s kinda not him.

In much happier news… Arya Stark is home!



Arya runs into two really dumb guards at the entrance to Winterfell and asks them to go get Maester Luwin or Ser Rodrik to confirm her identity. Oh, Arya. They died centuries ago. The guards laugh at her, thinking she’s some random brat pretending to be Arya.


“Haha, good one! And I’m Robert Baratheon!”

Finally, she convinces them they might be making a really dumb mistake, and they allow her to come in while they debate which of them has to go tell Sansa. It kinda sounds like they’re afraid of Sansa, which is freaking awesome when you think of how far she’s come.

Meanwhile, Arya is sitting there and taking Winterfell in. She hasn’t been here since Season 1, Episode 1, and it’s as emotional for her as it is for us. Well, maybe a bit more for her.


Must not cry, must not cry…

Arya gets away while the guards are still chatting it up, and when they finally go tell Sansa, she knows exactly where to find her sister.



They’re happy to see each other, but things are a bit awkward. They’ve never had much in common, after all.


“So… this lame-ass statue, amirite?”


“Excuse me, I’m standing right here!”

Arya brings up her list of names she has to kill, and Sansa thinks she’s joking, and they laugh. They decide not to go too into too much detail about each other’s horrible lives yet, and hug it out again.


I can’t even make jokes. This is too much.

Next, it’s time for Arya and Bran to reunite – and as expected given Bran’s new zombie lifestyle, it’s as awkward as ever.


“Program failed. Would you like to send a report to Firefox?”

Bran immediately starts talking about stuff he shouldn’t logically know, and Arya is weirded out.


“Yeah, he’s kinda strange now.”

Bran reveals that Arya’s list of names is indeed a thing that exists. Arya thinks Sansa’s going to freak, but Sansa … smiles.


How times have changed.

Bran shows Arya and Sansa the dagger Littlefinger gave him and says he doesn’t want it. Arya will make better use of it.


“I mean, really, what am I going to do with– CRITICAL ERROR. PLEASE REBOOT.”

Podrick Payne and Brienne of Tarth watch the Stark siblings return from the weirwood tree and talk about how Brienne succeeded in her vow to Catelyn and Jamie, even though she technically didn’t do much.


Podrick is trying to look cool just this once because he keeps getting his ass handed to him.

On Dragonstone, Missandei asks Dany about Grey Worm and heavily implies they had a whole lot of sex.



But before she can elaborate, Jon Snow interrupts and asks Daenerys to come check out the dragonglass cache. It’s super impressive, but there’s more to this cave than just the obsidian. Jon’s got something else to show her.


“It’s something huge. Hint hint.”

He takes her deeper into the grotto, where he’s found a bunch of carvings and drawings by the Children of the Forest.


This place would make a great secret bar. Moody lighting and everything.

That’s not all, though. He’s found something even more interesting. He grabs her arm to guide her torch to the spot. Um, whoa.


Those two are gonna have so much sex someday.


They even got the eyes right. Uncanny.

The Children of the Forest previously allied with the First Men to fight off the White Walkers. The proof is in the carving. Jon uses this as an argument for their alliance – they need to team up and fight off the army of the dead together. Dany looks pretty convinced.


“Well that’s fair and also you look extra handsome in this lighting”

She steps closer and announces she will fight for the North against the Night King. It looks like their alliance is official until she adds “… when you bend the knee.”



Jon looks like he kinda wants to, but he doesn’t think the Northmen would be happy about that. “Isn’t their survival more important than your pride?” she asks.


“You make a good point let’s make out”

Tyrion and Varys are waiting for them at the exit with the news that Casterly Rock was taken, but also they got screwed over and the Tyrells are now extinct.


“Please don’t hurt me.”

That’s three major allies Dany has now lost, and she is F.U.R.I.O.U.S. Tyrion was the one who came up with these ill-fated plans, and Daenerys has just about had it with him.


“I will bend you in half! Like a knee!”

Tired of her Hand’s advice, Dany turns to Jon Snow for his opinion.


“I don’t know if you’ve heard, but I know nothing…”

Jon thinks maybe she’s the one who could turn things around and make impossible stuff happen. But not if she burns down King’s Landing with her dragons. Then she’ll just be another Cersei.

In Winterfell, Brienne is, as per usual, kicking Podrick’s booty in one of their regular sparring matches.


“If this was sex, I’d totally be winning.”

Arya walks up to them, and Brienne is all over her Valyrian weapons.


“Hmm, yes, very nice, very nice.”

Arya requests to spar with Brienne, to which Brienne is like “haha, well, okay little girl, I’ll try not to hurt you.”


And then this happens and Brienne is shooketh.

As badass as Brienne is, she may have met her match in the speedy water-dancing Arya Stark.


“I wish I had popcorn right now.”

Their fighting scene is really freaking awesome – and Arya is smiling through it, which is nice to see.


Meanwhile, Sansa is wondering why she’s the only one in the family without superpowers.


What a thrill! To be evenly matched by a teenager!

Brienne asks Arya who taught her to fight like that, and Arya responds “no one.”



Jon Snow and Ser Davos Seaworth are taking a walk around Dragonstone, discussing Daenerys. Davos is like “so she’s totally your type right?” and Jon plays coy as always. He’s more focused on the upcoming war with the Night King. “How many men do we have in the north to fight him? Ten thousand? Less?”

To which Davos says, “fewer.”


Davos just Stannised Jon Snow. I cannot believe it.

Jon and the New King of Grammar run into Missandei on their walk, and they talk about Jon’s bastard status. The men then ask her about her servitude to Dany, and she explains that everyone here is serving Daenerys because they want to and they like her and are free to do as they please.


“And also, like, dragons.”

As they’re wrapping up their conversation, a Greyjoy ship arrives on the island, and on it, Theon, back from his daily run from his problems. How awkward for him, then, that he’d run into Jon Snow right there on the beach.


“Ohhhh heyyyy Jonny old buddy”

This may be the third reunion this week of characters who haven’t seen each other since season 1, but it ain’t a happy one.


“You’re lucky I ain’t making you sleep with the fishes tonight”

Theon tells everyone Yara is a captive of uncle Euron‘s and he came back to ask Daenerys for help saving his sister. Except Queen Daenerys is currently absent.


“… Am I at the wrong house?”

Somewhere in the Riverlands, Randyll Tarly informs Jaime that Highgarden’s gold has been successfully transported into King’s Landing – but that the rest of the convoy is seriously lagging behind. Randyll recommends flogging stragglers. Well, that escalated quickly. “How about a warning first?” Jaime suggests.


“A warning, he says. Freaking snowflake”

Jaime and Bronn run into Randyll’s son Dickon, who has to correct them about his name again – to Bronn’s infinite amusement.


“HAHAHA DICKON that’s a good one! Alright, Dicky boy! Haha! Dick. It’s funny because penis”

Jaime and Bronn ask Dickon how he feels about the Highgarden battle, and Dickon seems a little upset over it. He didn’t expect it to be this … gross.


You should see what your brother’s been up to, Dick.

Suddenly, there’s a strange rumbling sound over the hill. Everyone grabs their armor and weapons and gets in formation. Everybody’s a little bit scared.


Even the horse looks alarmed.

Guess who?


It’s the motherfuckin’ Dothraki, bitches.

Bronn wants Jaime to retreat and get to safety, but Jaime is confident they’ll be fine and will come out victorious.



Shit just got real.


Very real.

I think it’s fair to say at this point that the Lannister soldiers are screwed.


Let’s take a moment to appreciate this random soldier’s beautiful eyes. He’s about to be carbonized.



With Dany’s dragon having drawn first blood, the Dothraki rush in to attack the understandably terrified Lannister soldiers.


Wouldn’t wanna be those horses. Or those soldiers. Or anyone remotely nearby, really.


We’re 20 seconds in and it’s already an ungodly mess.


Drogon sets fire to all the provision carts on the road, massively fucking the army over and just generally looking badass. How awesome is it that we have a dragon named after Khal Drogo leading the Dothraki in battle, by the way? I think very freaking awesome.


I mean…


Bronn is like, “Can we go home now?”

Jaime attempts to get a group of archers to shoot down the dragon, but the arrows just bounce off it. Oh well, they tried.


This battle is a real hot spot! Get it?

Soon enough, Jaime himself is under attack.


Don’t die, Jaime!

Fortunately, though, he is rescued by Dickon.


“Don’t ever make fun of my stupid name again.”

Bronn charges at a Dothraki horseman, ready to take him down, but the Dothraki leans down and chops Bronn’s horse’s leg off. I’ll spare you the sight of that.


Not a good day for Bronn.

Bronn runs away from the Dothraki and makes it to the Scorpion, a.k.a. Qyburn‘s Giant Murderous Dragon-Killing Crossbow of Doom. And he uses it on the horseman.


Well, that’ll do it.

Meanwhile, another Lannister has arrived on the scene.


Not a good day for Tyrion either.

Bronn is done setting up the Scorpion.



He fires at the dragon. And barely misses.


“Oh shit”


“Oh shit”

Dany finds the source of the shot and directs Drogon straight at it. Bronn reloads the Giant Murderous Dragon-Killing Crossbow of Doom.


He’s being a badass and I want him to live but I really don’t want him to hurt the dragon or Dany who am I even rooting for anymore help



It’s a hit.


Welp, nice knowing you, Dany.

Fortunately, the Mother of Dragons regains control of Drogon and stops him near the ground.


“You are so dead.”

Bronn jumps off just as Drogon carbonizes the Giant Murderous Dragon-Killing Crossbow of Doom. King’s Landing better have a spare.

Dany climbs off her dragon to try to take out the giant javelin in his side. It looks like Drogon will be okay. But the Khaleesi is now exposed.


Oh dear.

So Jaime grabs a lance and charges at Daenerys.










“I am looking at all my life choices and I think I fucked up”

And at the VERY last second, Bronn smashes into Jaime and sends them both into the river while Drogon turns their horses into dinner.


Good lordt.

Jaime falls into the river, safe.


… or is he?

And that, ladies and gents, is how you do award-winning television. I’m sweating just writing this. Well, maybe I just need to turn on the AC. BUT YOU GET MY POINT.

R.I.P.: A fuckton of poor, crispy Lannister and Tarly soldiers, plus plenty of Dothraki. But somehow, presumably, no one important! Yay!

MVP: Daenerys and Drogon, obviously. But Jaime, Bronn, and Dickon Tarly all deserve honorable mentions for not losing their minds in the presence of a fucking dragon.

Notably absent: Samwell Tarly and Gilly. Jorah Mormont. The Hound and the Brotherhood Without Banners. Ghost. Dolorous Edd. Tormund Giantsbane. Melisandre. Grey Worm. Yara and Euron Greyjoy. And fucking Gendry.

Have you recovered yet? Check back next week for more craziness!

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