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Previously on GoT: Ed Sheeran joined the military. Arya Stark murdered all the Freys. Samwell Tarly almost threw up, like, twelve times. Cersei Lannister found a potential new ally in Euron Greyjoy. And Daenerys Targaryen crashed Stannis Baratheon‘s old bachelor pad.

It’s a stormy night at Dragonstone, and Varys and Tyrion Lannister tell Daenerys about how she was born on a night like this one. She says she wishes she could remember it, which… why exactly? That’s a little weird, but okay. She’s not super happy about this place, and Tyrion tells her they won’t be here long.


Yeah, good, let’s not make this Meereen 2.0, please.

A strategic meeting with Varys turns into a game of question-and-answer, with Dany interrogating the eunuch about his past actions. He served the Mad King, then he served Robert, and the whole time he secretly tried to make arrangements to bring a better ruler to the throne. Daenerys thinks he’s untrustworthy. Eek.


On the menu tonight: fire-roasted eunuch kebab.

Tyrion tries to defend him, but ultimately the former Master of Whisperers defends himself with a great speech about being there for the people, not the monarchs fighting for the throne. He chose her because she is what’s best for the realm and will stand by her. Dany is all, “Well, alright, cool, but if you fuck up you’re dead.”


They’re besties already!

With that out of the way, we now appear to have a familiar player joining Dany’s little band of misfits.


Oh hey Mellie!

Melisandre is still following her Azor Ahai prophecy, but with a little less crazy thrown in this time. She’s trying to be more realistic about this stuff now, after the whole Stannis thing fell through. That said, she thinks Dany might be it this time. Dany and Jon Snow. At the same time. Or together or something. Maybe she just wants them to hook up as much as we do.

Tyrion speaks to Jon Snow’s character and recommends a meeting with him. Daenerys says yes, but that Tyrion must ask Jon to “bend the knee.”


“Well, that’s gonna be an awkward letter.”

Up North, Jon Snow, Sansa Stark, and Ser Davos Seaworth are discussing the very same letter – man, mail is delivered really quickly in the Seven Kingdoms – and debating whether or not Tyrion should be trusted. Sansa liked him, but she’s not so sure this is a good idea.


“Gimme, I can read good now.”

Davos mentions Daenerys’s dragons could be super useful against the White Walker army. You guys, our wildest theories and fantasies are coming together right before our eyes. How exciting is that?

In King’s Landing, Queen Cersei is giving a speech to the Tyrell bannermen about how Olenna Tyrell has chosen to ditch this alliance for a dragon queen who fights with Dothraki at her side and that she’s not worthy of their loyalty.


“Never you mind that I’ve murdered hundreds of people in the last couple months alone. That’s different.”

After that inspiring speech, Jaime Lannister goes to speak with Randyll Tarly, one of the most influential Tyrell followers (and Samwell’s dad), who’s here with his younger son. “Rickon, isn’t it?” Jaime asks.


“Nah, man, it’s Fred.”



Jaime’s job here is to convince Randyll Tarly to follow the Lannisters into battle and not rejoin Olenna. Not the easiest task, considering, you know, Cersei blew up half the Tyrells the other day.


But if there’s one thing Randyll will respond to, it’s racism.

Jaime just has to mention Dothraki, and Randyll is almost immediately swayed. Screw Olenna and her savages, let’s team up with the woman who killed our queen!

In Oldtown, the much more likable of the Tarlys is working with old Archmaester Ebrose on Jorah Mormont, who is looking hella crusty.


“Moisturize me! Moisturize me!”

Ever the cheery one, Ebrose takes one good look at Jorah and is like “yeah, you’re doomed. Good luck with that.” Samwell wants to do something, but as we’ve learned, Ebrose isn’t really into doing things. He’s giving Jorah one more day at the Citadel before the poor guy gets kicked out to go die elsewhere. And Ebrose takes a very meaningful look at the knight’s sword.


“That sword looks sharp. Hint hint. Kill yourself. K bye.”

Ebrose leaves, and Samwell finally finds out Jorah’s name.


“Ohhhh this is awkward.”

Back in King’s Landing, Qyburn is showing Cersei around the Red Keep dungeons, where all the old dragon skulls have been collecting dust for years. They’re pretty scary, but Qyburn’s been working on something that could take them down a peg.


Oh, Joffrey would have a field day with this.

Qyburn demonstrates the power of the giant-ass dragon-killing crossbow. By firing it right into one of the biggest skulls down there.


It’s… just a scratch.

In Dragonstone, several of Westeros’ current leaders (all badass independent women, let it be known) are meeting to discuss their plans. With Yara Greyjoy, Ellaria Sand, and Olenna Tyrell gathered in the same room with Tyrion and Daenerys, it doesn’t take long for sparks to fly. Within seconds, Ellaria is insulting everything Tyrion stands for.


Girl, take it easy.

Daenerys refuses to sack King’s Landing like Yara and Ellaria are suggesting. She wants to take the capital with as little bloodshed as possible so she can be actually liked as opposed to the current rulers.


“Yes well Margaery was liked and now she’s dust, so…”

Regardless, Dany and Tyrion have come up with a master plan: the Greyjoys and the Sands will go pick up the Dornish army at Sunspear and then use that army, along with the Tyrell army, to lay siege to King’s Landing. Meanwhile, Grey Worm and the Unsullied will sail to the other side of the continent and take down the Lannisters’ seat in Casterly Rock. It’s a good plan, though it kinda sounds like the Dothraki are expected to sit around and do nothing through all of that.  The badass ruler women all agree with the plan.


Look at them! They’re the best.

Daenerys briefly speaks with Olenna alone. Despite the great teamwork Dany and Tyrion have been displaying, Lady Tyrell seems to think the Mother of Dragons should not be following the Lannister’s opinion so blindly.


Someone’s trying to start shit…

Missandei visits Grey Worm in his room and is clearly super disappointed that A. he’s leaving, and B. he hasn’t said goodbye. Grey Worm tells her she’s his weakness and he’s scared of losing her. One thing leads to another, and, well… soon enough she’s staring right at his Ken doll surface.


At least he has a fully functioning booty.

It’s all good in the end, because they find other ways to … say goodbye. Moving on!

Samwell and Ebrose talk about how most of the books in the Citadel are boring as hell, and Sam tries to give constructive criticism on the title of Ebrose’s new chronicle, but gets shot down real good.


“Excuse you, I was a professor at Hogwarts. And you’re fat.”

Samwell brings up a potential remedy he found in a book, and as always, the Archmaester discards his opinion.

In his room/cell, Jorah is writing Dany a farewell letter (can you transfer Greyscale via a piece of paper? Like anthrax?) when Sam barges in with a bunch of knives and things. “I’m gonna gut you like a fish,” he says. Except not really. He’s going to try to cure the knight by essentially peeling all of his corrupted flesh off.


“You’re cool with being flayed alive, right?”

Needless to say, Ramsay Bolton would really enjoy this. Throughout the whole thing, Jorah is instructed to be quiet because this is a clandestine procedure. He does a pretty damn good job at just quietly whining through the agony – in fact, Iain Glen should probably get an Emmy nomination for this scene.


Just sayin’.

Arya Stark has returned to Hot Pie‘s tavern! She starts eating all his food while he asks her about her life. She drinks all his ale, too.


“So… you got an ID, or…?”

Arry doesn’t do much talking, but Hot Pie gives her a little update on world politics, including the fact that the Boltons are dead and Jon Snow is now King in the North.

Arya looks like she’s going to ignore that life-changing piece of news and continue on to King’s Landing… but then she doesn’t. It’s back to the North with her.


Family reunion, here I come!

Jon Snow receives another raven, this time from Samwell. I guess Citadel ravens are slower than Dragonstone’s. Jon declares to his council and bannermen that he plans to go down to Dragonstone after all and meet with Daenerys. No one likes that idea. Not even Lyanna Mormont. And especially not Sansa. But Jon Snow gives a convincing speech. They need the dragonglass, they need the firepower (literally), and they’ll lose for sure if they have neither.


“And also all the fans want me to bang her.”

In the meantime – and as a very clever peace offering – Sansa will temporarily reign over the North.


“Oh. Well you should’ve led with that.”

Before leaving, Jon visits his father’s grave in the crypts. Littlefinger shows up and starts rambling at him. Jon immediately wants the conversation to be over. Of course, Littlefinger doesn’t always know when to keep his mouth shut, so he tells Jon about how he loves Sansa the same as how he loved Catelyn. Um, gross.



Jon Snow almost strangles him to death, telling him if he so much as talks to Sansa again, he’s dead meat.


“You know nothing… oh wait that’s me.”

With that, Jon and Davos depart for Dragonstone.


Somehow, I have a feeling Petyr won’t do as he was asked.

Somewhere in the forest, Arya is trying to warm up by the fire when her horse gets spooked. It’s wolves. A pack of them. And leading them… Nymeria, her old direwolf! Arya talks to her and it looks like the wolf recognizes her.


“Oh hey Arya. ‘Sup?”

Arya asks Nymeria to accompany her north to Winterfell. But Nymeria’s not interested. She leaves.


But wolfie!

As planned, the Greyjoys are transporting the Dornish women back to Sunspear on their ships. Obara and Nymeria Sand (yes, same name as the wolf, keep up) are being their usual snarky, sassy selves talking about who they want to murder the most once they get to King’s Landing. Tyene, the nicer, more reasonable one, implies that they should listen to Mama Ellaria more often and not be so reckless.


“And also you totally haven’t complimented me on my new hairdo yet.”

Elsewhere, Ellaria Sand and Yara Greyjoy are drinking and passing the time. When Yara makes it clear she’s into the ladies, the two of them start flirting so hard it’s like the opening to a porno.


“Aaaaaand I’m done.”

Ellaria tries to initiate a threesome with the Greyjoy siblings, which obviously goes as you would expect given Theon’s predisposition. But still, it’s totally hilarious.


I ship it, you guys. Get it? Ship? Because they’re on a… ah, nevermind.

Ellaria Sand utters my favorite phrase of the episode: “A foreign invasion is underway.” IT’S SO CORNY I LOVE IT.

Sadly, their lovemaking doesn’t get to happen, because, boom. The ship is suddenly under attack by good ol’ uncle Euron.


Wouldn’t want to piss him off.

Between the element of surprise and the extremely potent firepower on Euron’s end, it’s looking less like a fair battle and more like a massacre.



Halfway through the fighting, Yara realizes no matter how hard they fight, they’re probably doomed regardless.


“Well, there go my plans of getting laid tonight.”

Tyene Sand joins her mother below deck to protect her, while her sisters Obara and Nymeria go straight for Euron Greyjoy. They put up a good fight, but unfortunately… they fail.


R.I.P. Obara.


R.I.P. Nym.


Ellaria and Tyene, on the other hand, are taken captive. It looks like they may have been the real targets here – or at least, Ellaria was.

Finally, Yara and Euron meet face to face and beat the shit out of each other. But even she’s no match for him, and Theon quickly finds himself face to face with a sticky situation.


Oh dear.

With all this stress and violence, poor Theon’s Reek-related PTSD comes crashing back and he loses it.


“Nope nope nope nope nope”


“Nope bye”


Poor Yara. She got herself a very different kind of foreign invasion tonight.


And just like that, Yara, Ellaria, and Tyene are captives of Euron’s and Theon is pulling a Kate Winslet in the wreckage. That sucks.

Well, to all of us who thought last week’s premiere was a bit too quiet – I think we got what we wanted. The Greyjoys and the Sands are pretty screwed. But what an episode!

R.I.P.: Obara Sand. Nymeria Sand. And a whole lotta Greyjoy bannermen. Plus everyone’s appetite.

MVP: Hate to hand it to him, but Euron Greyjoy killed it. Literally. Yara, Varys, and Samwell get honorable mentions.

Notably absent: Tormund Giantsbane. Ghost. Gilly. The Hound and the Brotherhood Without Banners. Ed Sheeran. Bronn. Dolorous Edd, Bran Stark, and Meera Reed. And fucking Gendry.

See y’all next week!

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